Knitwear Nightmares and Crochet Calamities. More Weird Fashion and Glamour

Of course knitted garments are wonderful. The sweater and the cardigan are universally popular, evergreen favorites particularly in colder climates. But lets face it, sometimes knitting is just plain bad!

Whether its down to Granny’s failing eyesight, her colour blindness or the inability to measure accurately, the promised sweater just doesn’t look remotely like the original pattern in the knitting magazine.

OK, so you may not look exactly like the hunky guy or shapely hottie in the magazine picture, but that doesn't explain why it just doesn't fit. Maybe the knitter just kept going rather than stopping at waist height? Perhaps they lost count knitting the extra short right arm?

Anyway, the result is that the finished garment looks more like a multicoloured sack reaching down to your knees than the flattering, figure hugging garment in the picture.

We've all been there. Its Christmas day and a relative hands us a familiar feeling gift-wrapped parcel. Its kind of bulky and springy. You know as you begin to remove the paper what it is.

Your mouth adjusts to a rictus grin as you rip away the reindeer paper to reveal a multicoloured garment of fearsome proportions.

"Well try it on dear," she urges.

You can see your siblings snickering into their sherry and mince pies. You put the thing on and you look like a Christmas tree.

"Oh that looks lovely," she says, proudly.

You grin like an idiot, secretly imagining the hideous thing burning brightly in the wood burner next to the Christmas tree.

Custom Cardigans  or Pimp My Pussy?

One of the delights of knitwear is the degree it can be customised. From a busy nativity scene to a portrait of a favourite pussy. Or perhaps a favoured computer game?

The trouble is knowing when to stop. Just what is too much colour or too elaborate a design? What seemed lovely to Granny may well be a social disaster in the school yard or the high school hop.

Can you ever be cool again if you're seen in the mall or shopping centre with a large pussy cat on your chest or a scene from Star Wars on your back?

Somewhere between the 1960s and 80s knitting got trendy. Elderly relatives started making hot pants and mini-dresses. But then can knitted garments every be really fashionable?

Its a bit like trying to make a scene from Star Wars with Lego. You can see what its supposed to be but it still remains a little scene made from plastic bricks rather than being true Sci Fi with CGI realism.

This may be why you don't see Keira Knightley at the premier of a blockbuster movie in a colourful sweater or Kate Moss on the catwalk in crocheted knickers and bra.

From the idea that you can make trend-setting clothing from a pair of needles and some brightly coloured wool, came the idea that knitwear could be truly erotic.

After all, if you could knit a Carnaby Street look-alike mini-dress, then why not knit lingerie and sexy underwear?

One problem of course is the materal. Knitwear is notoriously itchy. Particularly next to the skin. Most of us, if we wear knitwear at all, wear something comfortable, like cotton or silk, between us and the itchy wool.

Perhaps the itchiness itself is part of the appeal? Time spent lounging seductively in knitted knickers, corset and stockings, awaiting ones lover's arrival might be strangely arousing and stimulating? But then again if he gets held up in traffic you might end up with a serious rash!

Whatever our past experience of knitwear - I predict knitting will boom in 2012 if only because its an excellent way of saving money in these recessionary times.

Zealous husbands and boyfriends could actually craft lingerie for their lover without the embarrassment of going into a store or the expense of buying from Victoria's Secret.

So come on guys. Get some wool and start knitting ladies' undies. Lets show our women just how much we really appreciate them!